Some time ago someone suggested I had a conversation with King Kong while he has me in his tight grasp. (Hey @rnm_enterprises!) There's only one way a conversation like that could go as far as I'm concerned. Like so:
ME: Let me tell you how things work among us apes, King Kong. Since you're a king ape, you may not know how normal apes behave. As a privileged ape, I expect you're used to grabbing, but if you want us to be on friendly terms, you'd better behave like a normal ape. Don't worry, it's not hard learning how to behave like a normal ape. Firstly, you must learn about this thing called consent. It's in the dictionary. To find out what it means you must learn to read. Secondly, you'll have to do something about your hair; it doesn't have sufficient ape-appeal. And trust me, ape-appeal will make it much easier to socialize. But, mind you, no one will fix your hair if you don't behave. Nor will you be allowed into a movie theater to see a movie or into a restaurant to have dinner or at the mall to buy clothes or, more importantly, deodorant, because nobody likes to be grabbed anywhere. And thirdly, beating your chest doesn't impress anyone. Look at me, I'm an ape and I don't beat my chest. All I do is use my ape head, and it works just fine. So. Are you going to behave and stop grabbing things that don't want to be grabbed or are you going to return to the wilderness where you come from?
At this point King Kong drops me more or less gently on the ground and then walks away, crushing a few cars and fire hydrants but no people. And then he's out of sight. I guess he didn't care to be a normal ape. Or maybe he realized this just isn't his natural habitat. Oh well...Who knows? I'm glad he didn't squeeze me to death.
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